By: Zachary J. Lee
Is there REALLY such a thing as an argument-free relationship? Sure, we’ve all heard friends or acquaintances say, oh we never fight. But it’s also evident they avoid real conversations that may inevitably lead to an argument. They keep it surface level.
I’m talking about couples who don’t hold back. They aren’t afraid to tell their partner what they’re thinking and feeling.
Dr. John Gottman says there are four types of conflict that tend to be relationship killers. In fact, he calls them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. So you can only imagine that his description of these four relationship killers isn’t exactly sugar-coated. The Four Horsemen are known as the following:
1. Criticism: a complaint about a certain behavior
2. Defensiveness: self-protection in the form of acting righteous or innocent
3. Contempt: saying something that makes you sound superior
4. Stonewalling: withdrawing from the conversation
All four of these types of conflict can poison a relationship quickly and effectively. Now let me ask you a question… In your relationship, do you ever experience any of these four actions?
If you do, I want you to know that it CAN change if you take the right approach and strategy toward how you view your relationship and where you want it to go. But, it will also take you time to learn new behaviors, forgive one another, and create a commitment and a desire to know why you have acted out toward each other in the first place.
My wife Kate and I have been together for almost 10 years. In the beginning of our relationship we experienced all four relationship killers when we were scared, felt attacked, or frankly didn’t know what to do in a situation.
When we were first dating and first married we experienced fights that lasted for hours. Kate, being the introvert she is, would want to stop talking about the issue, and I (the extrovert) would want to keep going. So around and around we went from room to room, with me pursuing and her retreating, all in the attempt to get answers. It was a painful process. It took us years to figure out that our strategy and approach to conflict wasn’t working and that we needed to change our method. Over the years we’ve been able to dig deep into who we are as individuals and as a couple. It definitely wasn’t easy, but it was WELL worth it. Kate and I are closer and happier than ever.
That’s what conflict is all about. It’s the way you approach it as an individual and as a couple. Sure, Kate and I don’t always agree on everything – what fun would that be? However, when we disagree our approach and strategy toward figuring out our next step is effective, easy to implement and works every time.
If you’d like to learn our method and key strategies that we live by to ensure we stay happily married, checkout our FREE eBook, The 5 Keys To Avoiding Divorce. It’s a great book to get you and your spouse on the same page so you CAN have a disagreement without arguing and fighting for hours and hours. It will also help you learn or reestablish effective approaches to hard conversations that can create fulfillment and trust in a marriage, all while learning how to put each other first.
In addition to having those hard conversations, every couple could use a little encouragement now and then to keep hope alive. We believe if you don’t have hope for the future, you don’t have much. Kate and I recently wrote a short book to give you an inside look at the approach that successful couples take everyday to sustain happiness in their relationship and help it thrive and grow. You don’t sign up for a mediocre relationship – you hope for the best. But it doesn’t just happen; this book will help you take that hope, and turn it into results.
You can’t beat FREE, and this book is a great starting point for you if you’re looking to improve your relationship or you simply need a friendly reminder – which I know I definitely need from time to time.
To get the FREE eBook sign-up below:
Enjoy the book!
Cheers,
Zach
P.S. After you read it, tell us what you think! How has the book helped you? What opened your eyes?
Download 5 Keys To Avoiding Divorce Now!
About the Author:
Speaker. Developer. Collaborator.
Storyteller. Christian.
I am a husband to my gorgeous and gifted wife Kate and a lucky father of three amazing kids. My company, LifeWorks Group is based in the Twin Cities and focuses on strategic interventions of relationships in the workplace and at home. Over the past five years I have had the privilege and honor of working with hundreds of couples helping improve their relationships and working with organizations to improve employee morale, team dissatisfaction, and creating synergy in the workplace.
To learn more about Zachary and LifeWorks Group visit: www.lovecommitsucceed.com
LifeWorks was founded in 2004, and currently serves couples throughout Minnesota, North Dakota, and South Dakota. We partner with churches and organizations to offer both pre-marriage and marriage enrichment retreats for couples.
